It Won't Be Long: One Question with C. Bernard

TheGourdsNews: Tom Labinski, a fan from Austin, Texas writes, "Why does Claude have Sgt. Pepper-era photos of Paul, George, and Ringo on his keyboard...but not John?

Claude Bernard: Here's the thing about John. And uh, you know, it's hard for me to say this, cuz, like, we all feel kinda like we knew John, ya know? But I'm just gonna put it straight out on the stoop and see if the cat sups. Here goes. John was a big asshole. Shea Stadium reeked of his farts for weeks afterward. 'E was a fookin' prat, 'e was. Not welcome on my piano keyboard. Nah, I take that back. John was a good plonker. It's like the Sandman said in Spiderman 3, "I'm not a bad person. Just had bad luck". John was kinda like that. Yeah. No, but what's REALLY happening on my piano keyboard is sort of...eerie. The Beatles are disappearing in the same order that they died. The constant casing/uncasing friction has done a number on the Fab Four. John just kind of curled up and flooped over the edge of the Nord. Then George started looking a bit careworn. I think i might be putting my beer on his face, though. Ringo's got a wrinkle, which doesn't bode well for him. Paul is holding steady. Paul always had the best karma. Swampy Pat put all this crap on my Nord during his tenure with us. He called it my "mojo". Pictures of R2-D2, zombies feasting on the living, fireworks packaging, Keith Richards and the Beatles and whatever else. Sometimes I would just find little stuff sitting on top of my keyboard. A little squeezable wizard guy, mini-ninja guy, a baboon with a horrendously realistic ass. He would only do it on rare occasions when he thought I needed that "little push over the cliff". Since we fired Swampy my program done got funkier than a pair of old shoes. That is to say, "I've lost me mojo". But you know what, baby? It's getting better all the time.

Special thanks to Tom Labinski for the question. Other readers who have a question for any member of The Gourds can email TheGourdsNews.


  1. Claude, you had me at "baboon with horrendously realistic ass."


  2. Behtah, behtah, behhhhhhhtaaah!


  3. You can keep yer money AND yer mojo. I want the baby.


  4. that's awesome.